I usually don't feel the need to explain myself but here we are. As someone who thinks about design and the way things look constantly on top of being a perfectionist i felt that this site, just in the short time i have had it, started to take up too much space in my mind. I like to think of it as RAM. The more RAM that gets used in one place takes away from other areas. As i love the idea of a personal site like this i don't want it to be a detriment. Less is always more for me and i want this place to be a repository of who i am, a folder i can put things into. I want to be able to do that comfortably without being unhappy with the design or focusing on things that take away from what i put here.

After all this isn't for anyone other than myself but i would be lying if i said i didn't want anyone to see. This is a selfish endeavor that has the possibility to give something to other people...not that i think im that profound but being reminded that im not alone in certain aspects by reading other websites is what inspired me to make my own and it would be cool if i could do the same for other people.

Its also a win-win because i find minimalism super aesthetic, surprisingly because of how brutalist society is becoming, every logo you've ever loved has been ruined and mcdonalds looks like a house from the suburbs.

I promise this isnt a diss track against all the insane maximalist sites that are common on this side of the web, you're all cooler than me :/

But again, this is to allow other aspects of my life to take up creative space in my mind, *sigh* only if we had access to our entire brain.

Tired of being alone

Organizing....making it right

Spotify shuffle makes me violent

Authenticity degradation

I want to play silent hill 3 but my brain dosent allow me to play video games without thinking im wasting time, guess ill just listen to the soundtrack :/

When i have a kid i want to create a font set of their letters each year, that would be sick.

Veneers freak me out!

I found the channel "one take" on youtube and ive been listening to every performance. ATARASHII GAKKO is one of the most energetic, natural groups ive ever seen. You cant help but to be inspired by watching them because they are unapologetically themselves, apart from all the corporate serious side of life it really seems like theyre just having fun. Me and Kanon have the same birthday on the same year.

I want to talk about comparing yourself to other people. When i saw that Kanon was the same age as me, i instantly realized that for 3 years she had been not only doing more than me but was also successful. This comparison doesn't mean anything. The time I've wasted doesn't matter, the only thing that does is the time i have to make up for and the road ahead of me. I feel like I'm reaching my stride in life and i should be thankful i made it here because some people turn against society and begin to blame everything other than themselves way sooner. Its not about what happens, its about what you do with it. I have so much to do and accomplish and toiling over the past is like quicksand.

This also made me realize the importance of responsibility and creating a goal to chase and just having a direction, even if the path is unclear. It makes sense that she's further ahead of me, she has fans she cant let down, choreography to practice, photoshoots to go to, ideas for the future of the group, music videos to shoot and everything else that goes into being human. Time doesn't stand still, and its your job to work with what you have and begin living the life you want now instead of hoping for a miracle.

Basically, create a sense of responsibility. Even if you have to make it up, give yourself something to show up for. This applies to being self-taught so well.

I can be insanely cynical against the present, but groups like this make me realize that good things are still being made and the possibilities are as wide as they have always been.

After being awake for 24 hours and sleeping for 5 hrs, I'm trying to go back to sleep to fix my schedule (why I still care is beyond me, once I fix it ill break it within a month). Trying to work in a state where ur brain needs rest makes me realize how overwork can turn you into a robot. I think my body is used to being awake at this time which is why im not sleepy but regardless.

I realized earlier that having a dedicated project makes creation so much easier. When you have a story to develop and a theme to base decisions on it makes everything so much more fun. I'm working on the mascot for this site right now and I'm excited to look back at all the reiterations. I have so many ideas. Capturing the pneuma of a character is really hard unless you have a clear image in your head. From the music this character will listen to, the clothes they wear, their story and interests. All of it might not be apparent just by looking at a picture but its so crucial in developing the ideas. I feel like people expect ideas to pop in their head out of nowhere, looking at reference and other art is the only reason anything exists, taking what you like and removing what you dont creates something new within itself. Deriving ideas from things apart from design makes actually designing easier. Density also makes the character more relatable, we arent all stereotypical npcs(right?). Making a character appear sad is a lot less interesting than making them seem happy and then revealing a traumatic past. Spoon feeding emotion is too shallow. Miyazaki is a god at this, he made an anti war film without showing one single frame of war. I think emotion in this way can hit just as hard but then I remember how grave of fireflies made me feel. Some people want ignorant bliss, i think blissful awareness is more valuable because instead of it being a state of naivety it becomes a state of balance. Aware of the hard truth yet being strong enough to not let it completely control your life. No matter what, I think we should all strive to uplift society and create beautiful things.

In my sleep deprived head this makes sense perfectly but idk. I get the feeling that I should fully explain every point I make but then I realize this is my journal and to do that would be pandering for the acceptance of understanding which is the opposite of why i created this site...and I just hate explaining myself.

Things are great and I'm excited for the future, fall is here and its time to go cozymode.

I've been on edge today, this dosent really happen that often. I have enough self control to not freak out on people like a maniac but internally its so exhausting to be in a state of mind where you find everything annoying, and it dosent help that while im annoyed i realize how unreasonable it is to be annoyed lmao. I think the accesibility we have to so many peoples lives can make resentment much easier. Obviously, this is my problem. No one did anything to make me feel this way. The thoughts are created in my head and thats where they die. I wouldnt even consider it a bad day bc im still doing what i need to do. I dont agree with trying to change days like this though, just gonna ride it out and accept it.

Tomorrow will be better.

Even my computer dosent sleep anymore.

The house is quiet, like always. The sound of the ac against the crickets. I wish i didnt have to sleep at all. It seems like a waste of time, if my body didnt need it i wouldnt. I dont even dream. Most of the things my body require are done out of neccesity instead of pleasure. I could eat the same thing every day and it would never bother me. Also, i heard once that staying up for long periods of time kills brain cells so i can add that to the list of over analyzing...i heard paper plates give you cancer and that runs through my head everytime i use one and honestly could care less when it comes to washing dishes lmao. I get the urge to write at night, i feel like i never have anything to say in the morning. My mom says im a night owl because i was born at 10pm.

OK i just yawned, gonna try to turn my brain off now.

Scrolling through flickr...as you do. I look at the pictures of other peoples lives in 2005-13 and cant help but to imagine mine differently.
My insecurities have held me back from so much in my life and i cant blame anyone other than myself. Although there are reasons as to why im like this i feel like blaming other people would be of no use, at the end of the day i make the decision not to go or how to perceive something. The last thing i want to be is a victim even if i am, putting blame on others makes me feel powerless.

Idealizing makes it so that nothing is ever good enough, and its not like my rope is near its end, i still have time to live the life i want i just feel so disconnected in my home town.

There is nothing here for me.

The way i view the world now puts me on the verge of tears. It has been a slow progression into this state of mind, maybe it stems from me always trying to make sense of the world and better myself in a positive way but the things i enjoy are so visceral nowadays. I was never the kid that tried his hardest nor did i ever have that pressure from my parents, they would always support me in every hobby i picked up but never pushed me to keep going. I dont hate them for it but maybe it was the answer to why i never really tried. The more i distance myself from youtube, twitter and insta etc etc the more connected i feel. The passion i feel from the things i love is thicker than blood, like i can grab it. This in turn makes me a more passionate person. I think in the world of distraction we can move from one thing to another completely drowning our brain in content that we reach a point where none of its means anything as if the screen becomes a foggy window. The over accessibility is killing the soul of creation and to finally realizing that feels like the chains have broken.

I guess this feeling is why i try now, maybe i didnt need pressure but instead, passion.

Great day. The misery you feel when working hard is nowhere near the amount of misery you will feel by doing nothing. Happiness is derived from purpose, amd purpose is derived from work. The reason you get inspired at 2am is because you didnt accomplish anything that day. Do it so you can go to bed happy.

memories are the most beautiful part of the human experience. they can encapsulate every emotion. sadness, happiness, fear, motivation, regret, and gratitude. nostalgia is strange because it can make you look back at the most mundane experience and make you think it was the best time of your life which is why you have to view today as the best because according to your future-self, it is.

caffeine is a mood enhancer. if you can uplift your mood, your productivity will ten-fold. all i need is 100mg a day and i make sure to never go over that. it genuinely elevates my entire character, my mind has never been more clear. all the negative thoughts disappear. i have gone without caffeine for years so this isnt unhinged addict speak but ive never felt this clear in all my life. no one around me takes caffeine and its so obvious. i've always been against needing something external to accomplish things or achieve something but thats just the weird purist in me. if you can take something that is completely harmless besides the withdrawal headaches why on earth would you not use it. maybe im a rare case.

people hate the truth. they never want to hear it but maybe im always too point-blank. sad to see an adult make the same shitty mistakes day after day and never even think to themselves that they might be the problem. reflection is something not many people have surprisingly. how do you go about your life never trying to be a better person or thinking of ways you can be better. threats and bribes will earn you no respect. respect is innate within your character. not being respected will mold your entire thought process into thinking you're the victim when in reality you are a victim to yourself. respect comes down to what you say and the actions you take, not how you look or what you do. how/why should i respect someone who lives in fantasy land 24/7. tell it how it is, if people dont like it then its probably the truth.

habitual forming

wake up, read 30 min

breaky drink caffeine 1 hour brain fog remover. social media reference gathering etc.

draw 1 hour. study fundies with music

4 hr pomodoro 50/10

eat lunch

4hour pomodoro 50/10

dinner

work in an hour of non-reference imaginative drawing. reinforcing ideas you've learned throughout the day into the afternoon/before bed.

it dosent have to be as stressful as you think, just do it....guy

structure is success

short term ideas apart from getting good: posting on social media as much a possible, streams and test the waters with something you're not comfortable w

long term goals
be able to make a living w art

THE MASTER HAS FAILED MORE TIMES THAN YOU HAVE TRIED