21

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one month into 2025 somehow. its truly liberating to feel that im exactly where i should be based on the efforts ive made. focusing has been hard, but i know its just a battle to reverse the years of programming my brain to run distract.exe every 30 minutes.

i was writing the other day and finally realized that this entire time i was in love with my suffering. i would always get near the idea but i could never put words to it. when i saw a picture of myself from like 11 years ago i could viscerally feel what i was thinking in that moment and realized i had been this way far longer than i let myself believe. the framework of my character for most of my life has been a mixture of inferiority, imposter syndrome and fear of success. the guilt of existing combined with expecting the worst has been like a bear trap clamped around my head. i guess i lived in that state of blame for so long that it stopped hurting. the comfort zone is a rutt and a rutt is a grave.

i always thought positive affirmations were corny and useless but it seems like the only way to fill the hole ive dug. to break up the monotony and challenge myself, im attempting a 21 day mental fast where i only think about what matters most to me. god helps those who help themselves, and to be honest, I haven't done much to help myself at all. if anything ive only worried, and worry is like praying to the devil. one foot in front of the other, dont look up.

hope everyone is staying warm. were all gonna make it :)

whats 9 + 10