another year passes by and i have nothing to show for myself. i was flipping through one of my old journals and saw an entry from 1-1-23 and it basically says all the things im still telling myself now. pretty pathetic.
october was a great month so it might seem bipolar because it was my last entry but in true fashion i had to find a way to sabotage it. this is a recurring theme in my life ive noticed, when i reach my stride i do something to completely throw it off in attempt to avoid an unexpected failure or maybe im just too insecure to believe it wont fail. its almost sickening at this point. its like the past 2 years have been for nothing. im really tired of being the person i am and always feeling bad about it. im a slave to consumption, dopamine, fear and the past. half the time im too distracted by it to even realize its not who i am.
for anything truly significant to happen i need drastic changes in my life. not tip toeing into things so that i can use the excuse that i didn't try or convincing myself im working hard when im not. the pain and misery i feel through change will grant me true fulfillment. i really believe that. almost in a masochistic way as if i deserve it because the only success ive had in my life is letting myself down and making my parents think they did something wrong. im not a stupid person, i know what i want to do and what i need to do to get there, yet im incapable of that. i should feel blessed that i even know what to do, most people don't get that far.
i find the world so beautiful. i want to make beautiful things.
this could just be another burst of motivation at 3am that lasts 2 days or it will be something i can look back on and say thats where my life changed because if i were to die now i wouldn't have anything to show for it.
maybe this should be another entry but i want to remember that resentment stems from your inability to achieve. the less i evolve the more i start to direct the anger i have for myself towards the world. i cant let this happen.